Beloved Sister, Grief

Today is the third anniversary of Mom’s death. Madi posted a photo of Mom and Dad with 3 years beneath Mom and 6 months beneath Dad. I hadn’t realized that until I saw her post.

Death and grief used to play havoc with me. One of my earliest memories is of Uncle Reed’s funeral. For many years there was always one or two family funerals to attend.

I hated death and grief; so, to avoid them, I made the decision to stop loving people. I was 12.

When Grandma Fay was dying, I sat by her bed and she patted my hand. She said, "Ty, don’t you dare cry for me. This is my next grand adventure and I am looking forward to it. Don’t you dare cry for me. You can cry for yourself if you miss me but I am looking forward to this."

That changed my view of death forever.

Mom’s death changed my experience of grief forever. Because there was so much to attend to, there was no time for grief. I moved her to the background and said, "Wait here for me," and she, (grief) did.

I could feel her waiting, patiently, for me to be ready to grieve. I began to see her as a sister who was patiently waiting to give me a gift. This sister was named Grief. The gift she bore was every moment of love I had ever felt for and received from my dear Mom.

How can any human body and mind ever hope to experience ALL the love one has given and received from a loved one? It is impossible to hold all of that, impossible. It is too much for one mind, one body. It is painful to experience all of that at once. When Grief gives us all the love, it isn’t to punish or harm. It’s always because she wants to remind us of all the love. It’s clumsy, yes, but it’s the only way she knows how to be.

Today there is a huge amount of sadness and I know that Grief has brought me another gift. Instead of trying to contain all the love, I let it flow out of my eyes freely. I give voice to it all as much an possible.

l allow whatever memories of love pop up to be fully enjoyed. And the, as suddenly as she appeared, she left. Will she visit again with her gift. Possibly bat and I will greet her with open arms if and when she does.

Jai Bhagwan