Nothing to Fear

What shall I say? The one I called father is dead.

He, like his own father, ended his own life.

"Remember the good times!" comes the call,
There are none to recall.

"He was a marvelous mentor!"
Yes, I saw his guiding hand in your life.
It was his hand’s sting that guided mine.

"His words were such an inspiration!"
Indeed, his words had power to lift and cause a soul to thrive.
They also bore terror and fear, I am amazed to be alive.

"He was such a good father!"
It’s an understandable thing to say.
It also means you had no idea—at least, not until today.

My father was a damaged man. His guiding words to me were, "If you ever dishonor the Ormond name, I will kill you." It wasn’t a threat. It was merely a statement of fact.

He told me this while we were rabbit hunting. I was 8.

That was the first time I recall him saying that but it was not the last. There are so many other stories that could be told but, for me, they aren’t needed and can be buried with him.

Was he a mentor in your life? Did he inspired you? Perfect. Wonderful! Cherish that!

Also recognize that the man you experienced was not the man I lived with, that my siblings lived with. With his death, his words from 44 years ago finally have no power.

Why I Wrote This

I wrote the above to be able to write this as a preface to what comes next: Suicide was the last thing my father did but not the worst and that is important to remember as I tell you this next part.

This is the third time this man has died. The previous two times, he was revived. He finally told me about these two experiences. I will tell you one of them.

Shortly after his heart attack in 2005, dad had another massive heart attack at the Snowbird mountain resort. A Lifeflight helicopter took him over the mountain to Utah Valley Medical Center.

During the flight he looked up and saw the beautiful stars overhead (it was the mdidle of the night). They had never seemed so clear. He looked down and could see all the lights across the valley and it was beautiful. Then he felt encompassed by incredible peace.

In that peace, he realized that he was still in a helicopter with no windows near his head yet he had seen straight up to the stars and straight down to the valley below. He figured he was dead but that peace was all encompassing.

It was then that he heard the flight medic call to the captain, "He’s flat lined. I’m charging the paddles." Dad looked at the heart monitor to his left and saw it was flat-lined and he could now hear the tone, one long beep.

He saw the medic prepping the paddles and said, "I don’t think you should do that." The medic jumped and shouted, "What? You’re dead!"

"I don’t think you should do that," he repeated. "It would hurt." The heart monitor immediately began beeping its normal rhythm. The surroundings returned to the inside of the helicopter and the peace vanished.

Peace was waiting yet again the second time. Peace was waiting for this damaged man. That is what I want you to remember above all: Peace was waiting.

"Do you fear death? Do you fear that dark abyss?"
No, there is nothing to fear.

Jai Bhagwan