The Return
Yesterday I posted an entry I wrote in January about the first half of the Conscious Crossover training at the Amrit Yoga Institute. What I saw happening around me was amazing: One friend I’ve known for a few years now experienced the reality that she doesn’t have to fight with everything in her life. As she shared this experience with the group, her face was radiant, she looked 10 years younger but the most wonderful part was the look of amazement and delight on her face.
One of the students that I mentored had lived with a crippling fear of vomiting all her life. For the first time in her life, she recognized she has been living with anxiety attacks the whole time. She watched her fear lessen each day as did her daily bouts of anxiety and accompanying nausea. During the break, she reported that there were days when she experienced neither anxiety nor nausea at all. I was very curious to see what these two—and all the others—would be like when we gathered again in March.
Typically the break between the first and second half of a teacher training sees students maintaining a few of their realizations but mostly slipping back into their old habits. What I saw in March was stunning. There seemed to be no loss between the last day in January and the first day in March. There is typically a high level of stress and anxiety during the second half of trainings because this is when the testing happens. This is when students must prove that they are teachers. There was some stress but definitely not a high level and there was very little, if any, anxiety. This was not because we were just going to rubber stamp everyone through the program. It was the lasting effects of the first half of the training and students’ dedicated practice during the break.
Personal Revelation
The amazing transformation of January continued but what was most profound to me is what I experienced myself. I’ve mentioned that I was mentor to some of the students. As part of being a mentor, my students would email their homework to me for review and feedback. I found myself procrastinating this. I would see their email, think of reason to not read it immediately and shutdown my laptop. This went on for days. I remember asking myself why I was procrastinating but I had no answer; so, I waited. A day or two later the answer was clear: “I am a failure.” I have believed this for as long as I could remember. Now I found that I was causing my own failure through procrastination and what was even more unbelievable was that I really wanted to read those emails and respond but still I was procrastinating! I was sabotaging myself, using procrastination to ensure that I would fail.
Here’s the amazing part, the moment I realized what I was doing to myself I stopped. I stopped procrastinating and immediately answered the emails without agonizing about the consequences of my previous inaction. What’s more, I stopped believing that I am a failure, immediately. I found that I was sitting taller and walking with my head up instead of looking at the ground. I also discovered that the phrase, “I am a failure,” rolled off the tongue effortlessly but the phrase, “I am a success,” felt arrogant and awkward. Three weeks on from this revelation of myself and I still roll forward. I don’t do everything immediately, some things do need to wait but there has not been a hint of procrastination since that day nor has there been a whisper of failure.
Living in Awe
The 12 days I spent in Florida last month allowed me to see phenomenal growth in myself, more of which I’ll share tomorrow, and to watch 9 amazing students come alight as the luminous sadhakas that they are. I have watched myself the last week and a half and I am amazed at what I’ve seen. I feel that I am finally awake and perhaps now I am finally ready to truly begin Yoga.
Jai Dadaji
Jai Bapuji
Jai Gurudev
Jai Bhagwan Carly, Janie, Nalin, Erin, Gail, Devanni, Penny, Shambhu, Chrissi, Kajal, Linda, Ambika, Raslila, Kala, Chandrakant, Veda, Indu, Angira and Hasu. Again and again, Jai Bhagwan!
