It’s been nearly 30 years since that pivotal April night. It would be nice to say that realizing this relationship with Christ set me free from depression, from fear and doubt. That’s not what happened. By the end of 1990, I had made two more attempts at suicide both frustrated by circumstances I could not control.
Over the
years, I would hear Christ’s voice calling my name in the night. I watched as my office walls faded away and a grove of olive trees spread around me. It wasn’t the lovely garden I had always imagined but was stoney with wisps of weedy grass beneath the trees. I watched his lonely prayer and his agony and I wept as Michael comforted him.
I know his voice, I have seen his face. So many of my friends have questioned over the years how can I reconcile Yoga and religion? How can I remain religious when that religion shuns and damns my transgender child?
I do not stay because of the religion nor do I feel a need to reconcile anything. My love and trust in Jesus is immovable. Yes, the religion is a human endeavor to accomplish something divinely directed and there are issues but it’s doing the basics well enough. Yes, there’s a mess but it’s nothing that can’t be cleaned up later. What I have difficulty reconciling is why that religion wastes so much time teaching anything other than Christ. Why do we teach about Job or Jeremiah or even Nephi or Mormon? Why do we teach anything other than the Atonement, to love one another, that we can become the children of Christ and that we can be One with Him? Why is not every single talk, testimony and lesson about Christ and no other thing? That I cannot reconcile.
7 And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters.
Mosiah 5:7
20 Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;
21 That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.
22 And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one:
23 I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.
John 17:20-23
But now I’ve jumped ahead of myself. I add my own witness to all of those who have gone before me and who will undoubtedly come after: Jesus is the Christ, the Savior of the world. I have seen Him and He lives. He knows you. He loves you and wants, more than anything, that you love yourself and your neighbor. Everything and I mean everything else is secondary to this, even saving ordinances because EVERYTHING else can be cleaned up.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
1 Corinthians 13:8-10
Prophecies will fail. EVERYTHING will fail. We only know a little bit right now and even that little bit we know right now “shall be done away” but that which is perfect, charity–pure love and undefiled, will never fail.
Even this is not the end of this radical shift within me.
I seemed to be a confident husband and father of four but I was still that depressed, angst ridden boy. I had seen God, I “should” have been this confident voice. I should have felt joy in every moment, I should have felt peace without limits, right? None of what I had learned or seen brought me peace. Depression still ruled my life and that desire to end my life was only stronger because I knew the love that awaited me after death. Why would I want to live another day of the pain and self-hate that I had lived with for 30 years?
I had given up looking for any way that I might find freedom from the demons depression sent my way but I lived because I loved my wife. I loved my children. I knew the pain suicide left for the living and I couldn’t do that to my little children nor to my loving wife and so I lived.
Again the mercy of God washed over me as a co-worker said one simple thing, “I’ve heard that yoga is good for kids with autism.” My oldest son has autism and I immediately started to look into yoga. While I was learning about it, my wife injured her back. The surgeon we met with said she should try some exercises before we considered surgery. All the exercises the surgeon recommended to my wife were the same exercises I was learning about for my son. I realized that if Yoga was good for my wife’s back and good for my son’s autism, then it might be good for me too.
After two years of practicing and teaching Yoga, I learned of a man name Amrit Desai. I was trying to find a teacher training and one of my readers said, “Have you every studied with Yogi Desai? The way you write sounds like the way he teaches.”
Five years later, I met the man named Amrit Desai. I was both excited and terrified
. The excitement came from the five years of anticipation. The terror came from seeing myself as a “good Mormon boy” who was going to go sit at the feet of a little Hindu man and learn from him. Was I going to betray all that I believed and all that I’ve written about so far in this article?
Twenty days after I first met this little man whom I lovingly call Gurudev, I was again sitting at his feet. It was graduation day from teacher training and I knew that in just a few moments I would have a chance to kneel in front of this man and receive his blessing as I go out to teach. I asked myself if I was really going to do this, would I, again, be betraying my faith and devotion to Christ by taking this man as my guru?
As I found myself mulling this question over in my mind, I watched as the wall behind him begin to fade away in a very familiar way. 
I saw behind him the portrait of his guru, Bapuji–Swami Kripalu, and behind Bapuji I saw the statue of his guru, Dadaji. Behind them all, I saw Christ standing. I watched all four of them breathe and could hear the sounds of their breath and as I surveyed this scene, I heard and saw Christ say, “Do not be afraid to accept what I have given you through this Lineage. I am in all things and through all things and all things bear witness of me. Carry this love and light to all.”
Again and again over these 10 years I have heard that same instruction, “Do not be afraid to accept what I have given you through this Lineage. I am in all things and through all things and all things bear witness of me. Carry this love and light to all.”
What is that love and light? It is to be One.
20 Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;
21 That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.
22 And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one:
23 I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.
John 17:20-23
These verses seeming confusing and are often written off as meaning “one in purpose.” At no point does Christ ever mention purpose or heart but “that they all may be one, even as we are one.” I know that Oneness from my own experience. It is that Oneness that has brought peace into my life. It is that Oneness that has revealed the Light that I Am. It is that Oneness that has unveiled the Love that I Am.
Using my life for any purpose other than revealing Oneness would be a waste.